Therapists say that when couples say they split up over money, it’s not the real reason. what’s here


Orna Guralnik on Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”

Source: Showtime

When I was growing up, my father used to repeat a saying he’d heard from his grandmother as a child: “When money doesn’t come through the door, love goes out the window.” This saying appears to be from the 19th century painting “When poverty comes to the door, love flies out the window,” by English artist George Frederick Watts.

I relayed the quote to psychoanalyst Orna Guralnik, and she agreed. Wealth It’s one of the biggest stresses on couples, “especially because of the society we live in.” Guralnik is the star of the Showtime documentary series “couples therapyin which she analyzes real patients in rooms with hidden cameras. New episodes of its third season premiered last month.

While financial issues can spark intense conflict for couples, Guralnick doesn’t believe that money, or the lack thereof, is the real reason for their separation. “Ultimately, from my point of view, the breakup is not about the money,” she said. Instead, Guralnick said, “segregation is about not being able to negotiate differences, be honest, or find a way to common ground.”

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Guralnik describes money as a “criterion with reality” that can make it clear that two people cannot problem-solve at once. it is an inability to communicateInsisting and compromising with each other is what can ruin a relationship, she said.

during my interview With Guralnik in late April, she had plenty of other interesting things to say about love and money. Here are three of them.

1. When people don’t talk about money, they are ‘protecting themselves from reality’

Guralnik said in her work with patients that it can take a long time for people to understand open about their financial situation,

“Sometimes, I think people are more private about money than about their sex lives,” she said.

Guralnick said it’s not just with her therapist that people avoid topics like debt or overspending. People can be married for years and still haven’t told their partner what’s going on with their finances.

Guralnik understands this avoidance of the subject.

“In American society, money keeps you in the social structure more than anything else,” she said. “A lot hangs on money in terms of people’s self-worth.”

He said that people take a big risk by avoiding talking about and facing their finances.

“If you’re refusing to look at your bank account when you take out your credit card, you could be accruing debt,” Guralnick said. “And if you keep doing that, that debt can be pretty devastating.”

Sometimes, I think people are more private about their money than their sex life.

orna guralnik

Psychoanalyst and host of “Couples Therapy”

“It can put you in a hole for a lifetime to come,” she said.

“I’m not saying that hyperbolically,” Guralnik said. “I have a lot of people who come into my office in that situation.”

Guralnick said that people are “protecting themselves from knowing reality” when they refuse to pay attention to their finances. She said, “You can’t take care of yourself if you don’t deal with reality.”

2. It’s okay ‘finances are part of the reason people are together’

At one point in the new episode of season three of “Couples Therapy,” couple Christy and Brock tell Guralnick that one big reason they’re worried is that they’re moving in together to save money.

However, Guralnik doesn’t see a problem with that motivation. “I am at peace with the fact that finances are part of the reason people are together,” she said.

“Christy and Brock are idealists, and I love them for it,” she continued. “She believes that she should pursue love, not financial ease.”

3. ‘Money is not just money. It stands for something else.

Guralnick said that two people in a relationship can have different attitudes about money.

“Some people are frugal and can lean toward the obsessive side,” she said. “Some people have no impulse control, and they hate to think about the future.”

“Any conversation about the budget or planning is excruciating for them,” he said.

Jamie Grill | Getty Images

To understand their behavior, Guralnick tries to understand what money has become a symbol for her patients.

“As a psychoanalyst, my usual way of looking at things is with the belief that concrete realities are tied to unconscious realities,” she said.

For example, he once had a patient who had deposited money. “We discovered through analysis that, for him, money stood for time,” Guralnik said. “By hoarding money, in her unconscious mind, she was protecting herself from death.”

In other words, he said, “Money isn’t just money. It means something more.”

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